Chuck The Clairvoyant
Hello again everyone!
As promised in an earlier entry, I have returned to post my predictions for the year 2005. I am dividing these predictions in to the 10 best and 10 worst things that can (and probably will) happen. So without further ado I give you...Chuck-tradamus! (AKA Chuck the Clairvoyant, Chuck the All-Seeing, and Chuck the All-Knowing. No distiguishing marks or scars.)
This entry will feature only the 10 worst things. I will post the 10 best things later.
Here are my 10 worst things that will happen in 2005:
10. On January 20th, George W. Bush will be sworn in as president (again). (Gee, how's that for clairvoyance!!!)
9. Between Jan. 20th and July 4th, there will be another major terrorist attack on US soil. (This isn't a prediction. This is a given, considering that they want to embarass the US and Geo. W. Bush. The date is up for grabs as terrorists like busy holidays and other dates of significance. Also, it has been nearly 4 years since the 9/11 attacks, the terrorists need to do something or risk falling out of the headlines [Terrorists are major publicity hounds].)
8. On the day after the terrorist attack, George W. Bush will declare that "It is too dangerous to allow anyone else [besides him] to ever lead this country!" He will then persuade a chickenshit Congress to declare him dictator for life and to suspend the US Constitution. (Oops, forgot, the US Constitution doesn't exist as far as Bush and Congress are concerned already. Sorry.)
7. The economy will continue to perform badly with unemployment reaching new highs. When asked for a comment, Bush will reply, "I can't figure it out. I listen to my advisors, we continue to ship jobs overseas, and still unemployment is increasing. I must be misunderconfused about what my advisors are trying to tell me."
6. George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, in an effort to buy another World Series will set a new high in baseball salaries by paying his team more than the Gross National Product of Costa Rica. When asked for a comment, Steinbrenner will reply, "If it brings a World Series back to the Bronx, who cares if you have to pay $47 for a hot dog!" In an effort to sell more than 12 tickets per game, Steinbrenner will later announce a promotion aimed at the common man with hot dogs reduced to a mere $22.50 (beers will still be $51.25 per 3 oz Dixie cup).
5. The automaker KIA, still stinging from its bad crash test results, will announce that its name does NOT stand for "Killed In Accident!" It will further announce that, in an effort to increase vehicle safety, seatbelts, airbags, and brakes will now be standard on all of its models.
4. In a fit of paranoia after the aforementioned terrorist attack, the US Department of Homeland (In)Security will announce a new hiring policy declaring that "...anyone whose ancestors immigrated into this country within the last 500 years is no longer eligible for governmental employment." Bush will endorse this policy stating that it "...keeps security risks and other undesirable people out of the government." Native Americans everywhere will rejoice and flock to government offices.
3. Britney Spears will again make headlines for her non-singing exploits by divorcing her current husband and marrying thirty-three others in rapid succession. When asked about it, she will state, "Well, since I have no other talent, I thought that I'd try to get into the Guinness Book Of World Records as the most married and divorced celebrity in history!"
2. Saddam Hussein will be found innocent of all charges by a jury of his peers. When asked for a comment, UN General Secretary Kofi Annan will say, "It is very hard to find 12 insane dictators willing to report for jury duty. We did the best we could, and this is what happened!"
And the #1 worst thing that will happen in 2005...
1. The Philadelphia Phillies will win the World Series. This is only bad for me as I am a Mets fan and will have to put up with Phillies fans bragging about how they killed the rest of the league (which will probably be contrary to the facts of the case, but that won't stop them.) (I find that most Philadelphia fans operate on the principal of "Facts! We don't need no stinking facts!" [Kinda like politicians])
These are my predictions for the 10 worst things that will happen in 2005. If you don't like them, make up your own list! It is still a free country (at least for another 11 days). In anycase, the 10 best things that will happen in 2005 will be posted in the near future (as I have time). I hope you enjoy these somewhat odd (or insane) predictions.
I am Chuck-tradamus and I predicted this message.
As promised in an earlier entry, I have returned to post my predictions for the year 2005. I am dividing these predictions in to the 10 best and 10 worst things that can (and probably will) happen. So without further ado I give you...Chuck-tradamus! (AKA Chuck the Clairvoyant, Chuck the All-Seeing, and Chuck the All-Knowing. No distiguishing marks or scars.)
This entry will feature only the 10 worst things. I will post the 10 best things later.
Here are my 10 worst things that will happen in 2005:
10. On January 20th, George W. Bush will be sworn in as president (again). (Gee, how's that for clairvoyance!!!)
9. Between Jan. 20th and July 4th, there will be another major terrorist attack on US soil. (This isn't a prediction. This is a given, considering that they want to embarass the US and Geo. W. Bush. The date is up for grabs as terrorists like busy holidays and other dates of significance. Also, it has been nearly 4 years since the 9/11 attacks, the terrorists need to do something or risk falling out of the headlines [Terrorists are major publicity hounds].)
8. On the day after the terrorist attack, George W. Bush will declare that "It is too dangerous to allow anyone else [besides him] to ever lead this country!" He will then persuade a chickenshit Congress to declare him dictator for life and to suspend the US Constitution. (Oops, forgot, the US Constitution doesn't exist as far as Bush and Congress are concerned already. Sorry.)
7. The economy will continue to perform badly with unemployment reaching new highs. When asked for a comment, Bush will reply, "I can't figure it out. I listen to my advisors, we continue to ship jobs overseas, and still unemployment is increasing. I must be misunderconfused about what my advisors are trying to tell me."
6. George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, in an effort to buy another World Series will set a new high in baseball salaries by paying his team more than the Gross National Product of Costa Rica. When asked for a comment, Steinbrenner will reply, "If it brings a World Series back to the Bronx, who cares if you have to pay $47 for a hot dog!" In an effort to sell more than 12 tickets per game, Steinbrenner will later announce a promotion aimed at the common man with hot dogs reduced to a mere $22.50 (beers will still be $51.25 per 3 oz Dixie cup).
5. The automaker KIA, still stinging from its bad crash test results, will announce that its name does NOT stand for "Killed In Accident!" It will further announce that, in an effort to increase vehicle safety, seatbelts, airbags, and brakes will now be standard on all of its models.
4. In a fit of paranoia after the aforementioned terrorist attack, the US Department of Homeland (In)Security will announce a new hiring policy declaring that "...anyone whose ancestors immigrated into this country within the last 500 years is no longer eligible for governmental employment." Bush will endorse this policy stating that it "...keeps security risks and other undesirable people out of the government." Native Americans everywhere will rejoice and flock to government offices.
3. Britney Spears will again make headlines for her non-singing exploits by divorcing her current husband and marrying thirty-three others in rapid succession. When asked about it, she will state, "Well, since I have no other talent, I thought that I'd try to get into the Guinness Book Of World Records as the most married and divorced celebrity in history!"
2. Saddam Hussein will be found innocent of all charges by a jury of his peers. When asked for a comment, UN General Secretary Kofi Annan will say, "It is very hard to find 12 insane dictators willing to report for jury duty. We did the best we could, and this is what happened!"
And the #1 worst thing that will happen in 2005...
1. The Philadelphia Phillies will win the World Series. This is only bad for me as I am a Mets fan and will have to put up with Phillies fans bragging about how they killed the rest of the league (which will probably be contrary to the facts of the case, but that won't stop them.) (I find that most Philadelphia fans operate on the principal of "Facts! We don't need no stinking facts!" [Kinda like politicians])
These are my predictions for the 10 worst things that will happen in 2005. If you don't like them, make up your own list! It is still a free country (at least for another 11 days). In anycase, the 10 best things that will happen in 2005 will be posted in the near future (as I have time). I hope you enjoy these somewhat odd (or insane) predictions.
I am Chuck-tradamus and I predicted this message.
posted by Chuck | 02:28
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