Happy Holidays To Everyone
Hello again readers. I hope everyone is doing well.
Well, it is December 23rd and there is one official shopping day left until Christmas. So, those of you who are waiting until the last minute have one day to get to the malls and stores, then you're up the creek. Of course, if you do head to the local Walmart, make sure to leave plenty of time to get there as it will take you an hour to make a trip that, under any other circumstances, would take you 5 minutes. Be sure to use plenty of caution as the people around you on the highway, who have made the same trip a hundred times before and are usually reasonably intelligent, are now driving like drunken brain-dead blind crack addicted tourists. When you get to the Walmart, please note that in 47 states it is now apparently legal to use your vehicle as an offensive weapon while in the act of hunting for a parking space. Grandma got run over by a reindeer? No, grandma got run over in the Walmart parking lot by a Dodge pickup truck driven by a guy with no teeth who was leaning out the window yelling, "It's got a hemi!!" Once you find out parking space, be sure to have on your good walking shoes as you will have to walk the 7 miles from your space to the front doors (Walmart doesn't run shuttles). When you finally get inside the doors, be sure to take out your baseball bat and commence your holiday shopping. Try to avoid the electronics department as they are setting up for this evening's three round brawl to see who gets the last PS3. (If you wish to see the fight, tickets are free with a $20 purchase. Get them at the customer service desk.) After selecting your cheap Chinese merchandise, proceed to the checkout. I usually try to select a line with 47 people or less. While in line take in all the joys of holiday shopping, the sights (the guy with the crossed eyes and no teeth who is staring at you [maybe, who can tell!]), the sounds (the screaming kid who will NOT shut up, even though he is 17), and the smells (the guy in front of you who smells like a combination of B.O. and bad meat [or good cheese]). Also, enjoy the fact that the line is moving at the speed of a frozen snail in January. When you finally do get to the checker, it is inevitable that the guy in front of you will attempt to pay with one of his 17 credit cards. It is also inevitable that 16 of his cards will be maxed out (and therefore be rejected). Of course he will have to try all of them before getting to the non-maxed card. I say don't get stressed by this, make it a game. Make small wagers with the people behind you as to which card will eventually be accepted. When you do get checked through, try to make the check out person have a stroke. I like to do this by paying cash and by offering unusual cash combinations. For example, I recently went to Walmart and had a final total of $14.19. I told the checker, "I'll make it easy for you" and gave her $15.24. It was rather fun to watch her brain crash as she tried to figure the change. After checking out, make you way to your car (you can usually hire a Sherpa to help guide you back to your parking space and carry your packages). When you leave, remember that Warp 9 is an acceptable speed for exiting the lot. A bit of holiday advice, if you purchased anything that requires you to put it together, stop at the local liquor store as you will definitely need it. Once home, my advice for wrapping your gifts is to use a normal amount of paper, but use enough tape that the person receiving the gift will have to use a plasma cutter in order to open it. Put your gifts under the tree. Then, on Christmas morning, enjoy the wonder in your kid's eyes as they open that hard gotten, expensive gift, set it aside, and play in the box!!!
Hey, I'm just goofing. All in good fun. This author wants to wish everyone a happy and safe holiday. Remember not to drink and drive. And let's try not to kill each other...at least for one day out of the year, anyway. Happy Holidays!
As always I am Chuck and this has been my rant.
Well, it is December 23rd and there is one official shopping day left until Christmas. So, those of you who are waiting until the last minute have one day to get to the malls and stores, then you're up the creek. Of course, if you do head to the local Walmart, make sure to leave plenty of time to get there as it will take you an hour to make a trip that, under any other circumstances, would take you 5 minutes. Be sure to use plenty of caution as the people around you on the highway, who have made the same trip a hundred times before and are usually reasonably intelligent, are now driving like drunken brain-dead blind crack addicted tourists. When you get to the Walmart, please note that in 47 states it is now apparently legal to use your vehicle as an offensive weapon while in the act of hunting for a parking space. Grandma got run over by a reindeer? No, grandma got run over in the Walmart parking lot by a Dodge pickup truck driven by a guy with no teeth who was leaning out the window yelling, "It's got a hemi!!" Once you find out parking space, be sure to have on your good walking shoes as you will have to walk the 7 miles from your space to the front doors (Walmart doesn't run shuttles). When you finally get inside the doors, be sure to take out your baseball bat and commence your holiday shopping. Try to avoid the electronics department as they are setting up for this evening's three round brawl to see who gets the last PS3. (If you wish to see the fight, tickets are free with a $20 purchase. Get them at the customer service desk.) After selecting your cheap Chinese merchandise, proceed to the checkout. I usually try to select a line with 47 people or less. While in line take in all the joys of holiday shopping, the sights (the guy with the crossed eyes and no teeth who is staring at you [maybe, who can tell!]), the sounds (the screaming kid who will NOT shut up, even though he is 17), and the smells (the guy in front of you who smells like a combination of B.O. and bad meat [or good cheese]). Also, enjoy the fact that the line is moving at the speed of a frozen snail in January. When you finally do get to the checker, it is inevitable that the guy in front of you will attempt to pay with one of his 17 credit cards. It is also inevitable that 16 of his cards will be maxed out (and therefore be rejected). Of course he will have to try all of them before getting to the non-maxed card. I say don't get stressed by this, make it a game. Make small wagers with the people behind you as to which card will eventually be accepted. When you do get checked through, try to make the check out person have a stroke. I like to do this by paying cash and by offering unusual cash combinations. For example, I recently went to Walmart and had a final total of $14.19. I told the checker, "I'll make it easy for you" and gave her $15.24. It was rather fun to watch her brain crash as she tried to figure the change. After checking out, make you way to your car (you can usually hire a Sherpa to help guide you back to your parking space and carry your packages). When you leave, remember that Warp 9 is an acceptable speed for exiting the lot. A bit of holiday advice, if you purchased anything that requires you to put it together, stop at the local liquor store as you will definitely need it. Once home, my advice for wrapping your gifts is to use a normal amount of paper, but use enough tape that the person receiving the gift will have to use a plasma cutter in order to open it. Put your gifts under the tree. Then, on Christmas morning, enjoy the wonder in your kid's eyes as they open that hard gotten, expensive gift, set it aside, and play in the box!!!
Hey, I'm just goofing. All in good fun. This author wants to wish everyone a happy and safe holiday. Remember not to drink and drive. And let's try not to kill each other...at least for one day out of the year, anyway. Happy Holidays!
As always I am Chuck and this has been my rant.
posted by Chuck | 22:00
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